I have a gift problem. I am planning my christmas knitting and my knitting life and my emotional life are facing off.
My family are good people. They are kind, generous and loving. In the far past we have had alcoholic family troubles, and through intensive therapy worked a lot of it out. This spring I was attending training for my work and an unresolved issue from my childhood raised its ugly head.
I have been working it through all this summer with the help of several very competent professionals. Mostly this is understood by everyone involved. They stepped back and gave me room to manuver and deal with some very intense emotional pain. A lot of this involved actions by my brother that seriously affected me. At this point while I love my brother very much I don't want to see or talk to him for a while.
The problem is Christmas. My standard gift to him is socks. If I am planning gifts he is on the list. At the same time I don't know if I can put the kind of care and thought I would normally expend on any piece of knitting into a gift for him at the present time. Do I include his gift in my plans, or let it sit until a later date?

That's unanswerable, but I wish you the best in sorting it all out.

This is a tough one.
Why not try to fit knitting the socks in your planning but not start knitting them. You can later decide what to do with them. You can a) give them to someone else b) give them to your brother at a later time c) give them at christmas.
If at a later time before christmas, you decide not to knit the socks, it will open up extra time in your planning when you will probably need it.
If you are a very zen person, you could use knitting the socks as a meditation moment to try and focus on your relation with him.

Best luck.

Dear Dances,

I had a similar outcome with one of my brothers, where a present time event (the death of my dad) triggered a flood of suppressed childhood unpleasantness. I chose to let the relationship rest - in other words, no active hostility but no interaction. This went on for 4 or 5 years, and now we are cordial at weddings, funerals etc. He makes overtures, I don't argue, but nothing happens because I stay pleasant but distant. My mom sasy that ther's no way to change him, so I just have to make my plans bsed on whats best for me. This sounds sad, and I'm probably not expressing myself very well, but here is my question.

If he hurt you that much, why are you planning a hand knit gift for him? You will be torturing yourself with ambivelence in every stitch. To avoid confrontation and also avoid pain, you might try sending a card at the holiday, stating that you sent x pairs of baby socks to x hospital for the preemie babies there, in his name. Thus you are still making holiday socks, but transforming negative energies into positive good which will bring warmth and joy to a (lets admit it) more worthy recipient.

PS Its OK to put yourself first. Just because someone is a blood relative, doesn't mean they are always entitled to more than common courtesy.

I agree with yarnmeg - let it rest until YOU want to make him socks. I understand your concern about the quality of anything knit when you're angry (my words, I know) at the potential recipient.

I have too many relatives who think that they - or their kids - are owed gifts just because they were born. Give what you want to give. If you're just itching to make socks, make them for you!

My brother as an adult has been a kind and supporitve person in my life, including some times when he has been the only supportive person in my life. To the extent that he was able he has made amends for his actions in childhood.
I am quite sure that he will be apalled to realize the extent of the damages his actions caused.
The adult me understands all this, the part that experienced the injuries is still in a lot of pain. I am tempted to simply not interact. At the same time I am unwilling to put up that emotional wall unless I need to for my safety. At present I am not sure what action to take, I think the suggestions that you have made are both good. donating knitted goods to the battered women's shelter in his name would be a fitting way to cover those bases.
thank you for the help.

No wall, no confrontation, just a bigger space. No negative energies, just room to be pain free for a while and heal.

If he's a better adult than he was a youth, than he will respect this.

WN - gentle hug